Bitter Sweet Day

It’s days like today that are bitter sweet for me to  check my Facebook news feed.  It’s the first day of school and there are lots of posts about children all dressed up.  Lots of new outfits, backpacks, lunch boxes.  Some tears.  Lots of smiles.  Mommy’s are excited about hot coffee and quietness and teachers are well rested and ready to start the new school year. 

But for me, a women who so desperately wants to have a child of my own, it’s kind of bitter sweet.  I wish I had a first school day picture to post.  I wish I had a lunch to pack (well, besides my own), I wish I was late this morning to work so that I could walk my child into school.   I wish I had a child to hug and kiss on the forehead and tell them to have a great first day.  I wish that I could rush home to hear all about a child’s day. 

But I don’t. 

Today was just another Monday for me.  I got up, got ready for work and then sat at my desk all day.  Then I worked out in the fitness room and went home.  Nothing special happened. 

Yes, I got to have a hot cup of coffee this morning at the office and now I am enjoying a glass of wine (after I finish my glass of water first) as I sit outside and write.  It’s a beautiful day and the weather is perfect.   But deep down there is a yearning and something missing.   And to be honest, there are a few tears in my eyes. 

I know that my time will come.  There will be a day that I get to experience all of the “firsts” you have when you have a child.  I know that there will be a day when I get to fill my friends’ inboxes/phones/Facebook feeds with pictures.  There will be a day when I get to rejoice with all of my mommy friends and pray for my child’s teachers.  

But until that I day, I promise that I will be praying for all of your children and those in their lives.  I will be praying for great first days, I will be praying for safety, I will be praying for peace and quiet.  I will be praying for patience (yes, I know what teachers need most).   And most importantly, I will be praying for the child that I will one day have. 

I know that God has a plan.  I don’t know what that plan looks like and I don’t know his timing.  But until then, I am going to try my best to continue to be grateful for this time in my life and praying for yours.