Home Sweet Home - What a Difference a Year Makes

In February, the unimaginable happened to D's parents.   Their house caught fire and burned to the ground.

http://www.fox43tv.com/dpps/news/local/fire-destroys-outer-banks-home_5613044

I am not talking a little damage.  I am talking total destruction.  There was nothing left, well, except for the front porch steps.

You know, the ones, from this picture:

July 4th 2012

D's parents made it out of the house and are fine.  However they lost everything.  Well, they lost all of their physical possessions.  But they are fine and they still have the memories that were made in the house.   They still have the love that was fostered there.  They still have each other and they still have all of their friends and family members.  

They have homeowners insurance, but not everyone is that lucky.  Not every one has insurance.  More importantly, not every one has a home.  

A home means something different to each one of us.  For some it is just a roof over your head.  For others it is something that you cherish.  Maybe it is something that you built yourself.  Maybe it is something that you saved a long time for.  Maybe is it something that you dreamed about.   Maybe it is a house that you grew up in and now own yourself.  But a home is more then that.  

A home is a place for memories to be made.  A home is a place for love to grow.  A home is a place to gather with others.   A home is a home.   

But not everyone can say that they have a home.  

So this brings me to the reason why I am writing this post.   On Saturday July 27th, I will be participating in a fundraiser for Habitat for Humanity- Durham in honor of D's parents.  D's parents don't need anything.  They are covered by insurance and have had lots of help from neighbors, family and friends and are currently in the process of rebuilding their home.   

However, I want to do something even more meaningful in their honor.  

I want to help a family have a home of their own on day.   A family that must help build someone else's home before they can buy their own.  A family that takes out an affordable mortgage.  A family that is in need.   A family that needs a place to make memories.  A family that needs a place to gather.  A family that needs a place that they can fill with love.   A family that needs a place to call home.   

So I am going to be biking 12 miles to raise funds to raise a roof for a family in need.   

Please consider making a donation to Habitat for Humanity.   

Click on this link to donate:

http://events.durhamhabitat.org/fundraise?fcid=245826

If you want to join me and ride/walk/run or even volunteer please check out:  There are two options a 12 mile bike ride or a 5K walk/run.

http://www.riderunforhabitat.org/

I am part of a bigger team --- my infamous The Redwoods Group.  So please consider joining us on supporting such a great organization.

A Letter To Mom

Dear Mommy,

Today is your birthday.   Usually by now I have scoured the card aisles of Target and probably Hallmark looking for the perfect card.   Sometimes I would go serious, sometimes funny and I know your favorites were always the ones that I would pick at addressed to Mommy.  I know that, because I found a stack of them in your office a few weeks ago.

I have had a hard time the past few weeks remembering that I didn't have to do my annual card shopping trip.   I have been in Target standing there looking at cards and then very silently catch myself  wiping away a tear and walking away.  

I have even had to stop myself from buying you a new mug.  I found a perfect one about a month ago at the beach and I just stood there and stared at it for the longest time.  To this day, I am not sure why I didn't go ahead and buy it, but I guess I was also trying to figure out what we are going to do with the mass collection that is still in the kitchen cabinet in the house.

So I have resorted to trying my best to just stay busy these last few days.  I have spent time with D, had a bunch of girls from the office over for dinner, watched movies, took a tour of Larry's Beans (an awesome coffee facility in Raleigh-- I am sorry that you never got to enjoy Larry's coffee.   I even got to meet him and I think he is going to help foster my new habit and turn me into a coffee drinker - for all my friends out there- you have got to try it), got a new pair of glasses and today I will be watching a lot of NCAA baseball.  GO HEELS!!! (and NC State)

It has also been a hard week to watch all of my mommy and teacher friends talk and post things on Facebook about the end of the school year.  I remember how bittersweet the end of the school year was for you each year.  You loved to teach and I know that there were years that it was really easy for you to say goodbye to some students but hard for you to say bye to others.  You would pack up your room and bring home box after box each year.  No wonder it took J, M and I so long to clean out the garage.  You kept everything.  And I mean EVERYTHING.   But you were the best teacher in the whole wide world.  And I actually can say that, since I even had you one day when I was in either 2nd or 3rd grade as a substitute.  I remember how hard it was for me to call you Mrs. Howes and not Mom.    

I also remember that two years ago, we not only celebrated your birthday, we celebrated your retirement from a job that you loved.   I know that it was tough for you to hang up your eraser and put away your chalk, where you weren't actually teaching anymore these last few years, but you get the idea.   Maybe I should say that you had to entire your ruler.   Even though you never actually got to use it on a student, but I am sure that there were plenty that you wish you could have.  

When you moved from the classroom to the administration arena, I know that your favorite part was helping to get to develop new teachers.  And one of them is now a part of our family.  So even though you are not Mrs. Howes in the classroom anymore, there is a new Mrs. Howes taking over and ruling over a classroom full of young minds.  Thanks M for following in her footsteps.  

So in honor of your day, I will sit here and enjoy a cup of coffee (it is a habit that I am really starting to develop - you knew that it would happen at some time in my life), eat a Godiva bar, drink a Blue Moon and cheer on the TARHEELS!!!  All of your favorite things. 

I love you and miss you.

G's

Mother's Day

So Mother's Day means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.  For some it is a day of anticipation as they await the birth of a baby.  For some is a day of sweet giggles and hugs as their children bring them home made cards and breakfast in bed.  For some it is a day of joy and celebration as they watch their children graduate and turn into adults.

But for some, like me, it is a day filled with grief.  My mom isn't here for me to call, send a card and flowers too.  But she is in my memories.

There were many of Mother's Days that were filled with hugs and kisses as I gave her cards and flowers and gifts.  There were Mother's Days when we took her out for breakfast.   That included the year that we thought breakfast at McDonalds was high class.   There was even a Mother's Day back in 1999, when I put on a Carolina Blue robe and walked across a football field.  I know that it was probably one of her favorites.

And there is now a Mother's Day when I walk past the card aisle at a store, the post office, well anywhere for that matter and start to cry.

Yep, I feel bad for the lady behind me at the post office last week.  I don't think she knew what to say as she noticed me staring at the cards as I waited in line with tears streaming down my cheeks.

This year, it's different.  There will be a lot of different things this year.   Sunday will be one of those days in a long line of first's without Mom.

But I know that she wouldn't want me to sit here and cry.  She would tell me to put on my big girl panties and get over it.  And I promise that I will.  But for the moment, I think I am just going to sit here and cry. Just a little bit.

I am not sure what I am more excited about.....

So this weekend involved a trip home to visit Dad.   I got to have a date with my two favorite men in my life (D went with me this weekend).   The three of us went to dinner at this great pub near the house where the food is good and the beer is not bad either.    Except, I am not sure that it constitutes as a date, since I am the one that paid the bill.    Hmmmmm. 

A special thanks to D for his help around the house this weekend.   He tackled some items on the to do list and even fixed the freezer part of the fridge.  Dad now doesn't have to worry about his food suffering from freezer burn. 

Also, over the weekend, my brother and his wife announced that their family will be adding an new addition.  And this time the addition will not have four legs and be covered with hair.   I have known for quite some time that M was pregnant, but I had to keep the news to myself.   But now I have permission to share with everyone.  The baby will arrive the first part of November, but I won't complain if he or she decides to come in October.  

On Sunday, I got to be a witness to MacKenzie's baptism.

Not only was MacKenzie baptized, she also played in the youth handbell choir.

So I will let you decide what is more exciting, a boyfriend who tackles a to do at your dad's house, a baby announcement, a baptism or some bell ringing.  

I know a few angels that are rejoicing at all of the above. 

And for those of you who scrolled through this quickly to find out if the baby was mine.....haha.  I think some other things have to happen first.

My Own Private Shoe Store

Last weekend, I journeyed down to Huntersville to spend some time with my Dad.   I also had two daunting tasks waiting for me.... cleaning out Mom's closet and straightening up her office.

Prior to my arrival, I suggested to Dad that he pull out all of Mom's shoes so that I could go through them on Friday night.  Mom and I shared a lot of things, but one thing that we had always shared since I was a teen was a shoe size.   It was nice, we were always sharing shoes.  However, when I went off to college it proved quite difficult that we could no longer share.  I had to have my own collection and she hers.

So the collecting began and much to the determent of my father and then whoever I shared a closet with, both of our collections got pretty big.   However, Dad can not blame anyone but himself.   He did meet my Mom by selling her a pair of shoes.

I couldn't tell you how many shoes the two of us went through or collected over the years.  However I do know that I went through 50 pairs of shoes that night.

Yep, you read that right, there were 50 pairs of shoes in Mom's closet.  

So this is what I saw when I arrived at the house last Friday....

Dad had them all paired up and lined up in the room where I sleep when I visit.  So I got myself a beer, took off my shoes and socks and went to work.  I tried each and every pair on.  And I can now say that I am the proud owner of 22 new (well new to me) pairs of shoes.  I even walked away with a cute pair of red high heels.   I have no idea why Mom of all people would have a pair of red high heels, but they are now mine.  

Thanks Mom.  

Feeling the Love.....

I have been feeling the love the past couple of weeks.   I have received lots of cards, texts, messages via FaceBook and lots and lots of hugs.  I have also had some very benifical conversations with many of you as well.

When I need a little pick me up, I usually reach over the back of the sofa and grab a random card.   There is always a sweet note or message of encouragement inside waiting for me to re-read.  It makes me feel so special.

I have also been feeling the love from my boys.  Calvin and Hobbes have been so cute and do not let me out of their sight.  They are also great snuggle buddies, which has come in handy, since it has been so cold.

I am also not only feeling the love, but I am trying my best to share the love.   The past few days, I have decided that it is time to tackle the long list of thank you cards that need to be sent out.   I know that Mom would be proud but is probably scolding me to taking this long.  I just couldn't make myself do it.   But at least I can work on them while watching basketball.

Two of Mom's love-- basketball and sending people cards.   I think she kept Hallmark, Dayspring and the US Postal Service in business all of her own.

I still have what I call good moments and bad moments.   And I am allowing myself to have my bad moments.   I am still a long way off from feeling like I am my old self again.  I find it very hard to get excited or laugh.

However, I had a few moments of laughing and excitement Thursday at the office as my team won Risk Madness (our office's version of March Madness where we learned about our risk management department).

Just looking at the trophy should make you laugh.

So as I continue on this new life journey, I will let the chili simmer in the crock pot, tune the TV to basketball and will pick up the next thank you note to write.

It's been a while

I first started this blog as a tool to share my thoughts and feelings about starting life over again as a single women.  Just over two years ago, I started it full of emotions, anger, sadness and was trying my best to turn my life back into what I wanted.   I knew that I needed to start over and I knew that I could not do it alone.

I started the blog as a way for me to let everything out.   I didn't do it to boast or brag, and there were times that I know that several of you enjoyed having a little fun with me about it.  I did it as a therapy tool.   As I would type, I would allow myself to let the feelings flow freely.  I didn't hold back.  Sometimes it would take me hours to write one post.  Lots of times, I would have to take a break to find another box of tissues.....yes, sometimes that also meant getting up to pour myself a new glass of wine.

It's been several months since I posted something.  Mainly because, I felt that the whole reason I did it was to capture what it is like to start dating after a divorce and what is is like to learn how to love someone again.

I finally found someone to love again.  I found someone who loves me back and someone who is now my best friend.

However, life is now taking me on a new journey.   Yes, I learned to live again.  Yes, I learned to laugh again and I even learned to love.   However, I feel like I have to start over again.

No, I am still dating and in love with Mr. D, but as many of you know my life changed dramatically several weeks ago. So this time the journey is different.

Back in January, my Mom told me (well, all of the family), that her breast cancer was back.  But what I would soon learn much quicker then I would ever anticipate was that her breast cancer was back and this time was more agressive then any of us anticipated.

I have spent the past month and a half dealing with something that I never thought I would have to do at this stage of my life.

I had to watch my Mom fight the most courageous battle of her life and lose.  I watched my Mom go into the hospital, and then back out only to be put back in again and then never come home.

I captured our journey through writing a journal on a Caring Bridge site that I created.  I used that site to tell everyone what was going on.  I admit that there were days that I was not completely honest in Mom's condition, but I did my best.  But looking back over it, it makes me remember how much I love to write.  I can thank my Mom for that love.  Even when I had teachers who would tear apart papers, she always knew that I had a gift and would push me to be better.

So now, it is time to write again.  It is time to make myself be honest with myself.  It is time to make myself share my feelings.  It is time for me to grieve.  And one thing that I have learned these past few days is that I can't do it by myself.  And unless I tell everyone what is actually going on, no one will know how to help.

The past several weeks have been a rough journey.  It was full of all kinds of ups and downs.  It was tough to sit and watch my Mom in the condition that she was in.  It was hard to watch her be completely dependent on others.  It was heart breaking to sit there and remind her to just breathe.

And now that she is gone, I realize that I am on a new journey.  Once again, I have to learn how to live and laugh.  I think I am okay with the loving part.  I know that I am surrounded by love.  I know that all of you love me and that I love all of you.  However, once I again, I know that I have lots of things to learn again.  And I think I need a new box of tissues.