It's been a while

I first started this blog as a tool to share my thoughts and feelings about starting life over again as a single women.  Just over two years ago, I started it full of emotions, anger, sadness and was trying my best to turn my life back into what I wanted.   I knew that I needed to start over and I knew that I could not do it alone.

I started the blog as a way for me to let everything out.   I didn't do it to boast or brag, and there were times that I know that several of you enjoyed having a little fun with me about it.  I did it as a therapy tool.   As I would type, I would allow myself to let the feelings flow freely.  I didn't hold back.  Sometimes it would take me hours to write one post.  Lots of times, I would have to take a break to find another box of tissues.....yes, sometimes that also meant getting up to pour myself a new glass of wine.

It's been several months since I posted something.  Mainly because, I felt that the whole reason I did it was to capture what it is like to start dating after a divorce and what is is like to learn how to love someone again.

I finally found someone to love again.  I found someone who loves me back and someone who is now my best friend.

However, life is now taking me on a new journey.   Yes, I learned to live again.  Yes, I learned to laugh again and I even learned to love.   However, I feel like I have to start over again.

No, I am still dating and in love with Mr. D, but as many of you know my life changed dramatically several weeks ago. So this time the journey is different.

Back in January, my Mom told me (well, all of the family), that her breast cancer was back.  But what I would soon learn much quicker then I would ever anticipate was that her breast cancer was back and this time was more agressive then any of us anticipated.

I have spent the past month and a half dealing with something that I never thought I would have to do at this stage of my life.

I had to watch my Mom fight the most courageous battle of her life and lose.  I watched my Mom go into the hospital, and then back out only to be put back in again and then never come home.

I captured our journey through writing a journal on a Caring Bridge site that I created.  I used that site to tell everyone what was going on.  I admit that there were days that I was not completely honest in Mom's condition, but I did my best.  But looking back over it, it makes me remember how much I love to write.  I can thank my Mom for that love.  Even when I had teachers who would tear apart papers, she always knew that I had a gift and would push me to be better.

So now, it is time to write again.  It is time to make myself be honest with myself.  It is time to make myself share my feelings.  It is time for me to grieve.  And one thing that I have learned these past few days is that I can't do it by myself.  And unless I tell everyone what is actually going on, no one will know how to help.

The past several weeks have been a rough journey.  It was full of all kinds of ups and downs.  It was tough to sit and watch my Mom in the condition that she was in.  It was hard to watch her be completely dependent on others.  It was heart breaking to sit there and remind her to just breathe.

And now that she is gone, I realize that I am on a new journey.  Once again, I have to learn how to live and laugh.  I think I am okay with the loving part.  I know that I am surrounded by love.  I know that all of you love me and that I love all of you.  However, once I again, I know that I have lots of things to learn again.  And I think I need a new box of tissues.